Updated: Jul 22, 2021
For people who suffer with anxiety, relationships are always a balancing act.
In any relationship of any kind, there needs to be a balance. But with anxiety in relationships, there needs to also be an awareness of when the balance has tipped...so it can be bought back to the middle (rebalancing).
This happens as part of the course of any relationship, not least because balance also means we are often naturally drawn to our opposites. One talkative vs one more quiet, one who uses a lot of words to explain vs a straight talker or someone who wants to be nowhere else but with their significant other vs someone who likes space and independence
In all cases this is healthy as too much of anything can be a bad thing so compromise and communication can bring the much needed balance.
Easier said than done though! Being opposites also means different ways of managing relationships, communication and conflicts too.
While one person is more physically present but not outwardly available i.e. they respond but are often focused on their own experiences and interests, the other is too available and often prioritises the relationship over themselves.
For the person whom is overly available, there can be a toxic pulling of the other in a bid to feel noticed, loved, and seen. This can play havoc as it invalidates the other persons need for space. When there are disagreements they can go into "all or nothing mode" meaning that instead of allowing the other person time and space to.think, process, breathe or make decisions they will override the need for.space, create time limits on how much space they should have or assume that the other person doesn't care because they're not responding or showing up in the way they want.
This dismisses the need of the other person.
Ways of dealing with this are to:
Taking time out to breathe!! Meditate, Exercise, Yoga or Walk.
Notice that you're actively chasing or hounding the other person to avoid the pain of their absence.
Pay attention to the thoughts, feelings, fears and behaviours coming up and tend to those rather than avoiding them, so you can heal and create more of your own energy instead of pulling at the other person to give you energy (love, attention, validation).
Take their absence as an indication of them feeling lost and or overwhelmed
Instead of holding on tighter, or feeling dejected- slowly loosen the tight grip you have on them and begin with communicating your fears.
Try writing them down, positive self talk, talking to a friend, meditation that speaks to your inner child or self soothing in other ways such as having a pamper day where you focus on taking care of yourself.
The tighter the grip you hold, the more someone who needs space needs to create more distance to feel less pressure.
For those people needing space, create this and provide certainty at the same time as being firm.
You can do this by:
Telling the other person you need space, exactly what that means i.e. no calls, emails, visits and where possible a definitive time.
Where this is not possible agree that YOU will make contact when you feel able to.
Communication is key! Explain that you feel overwhelmed, frustrated or whichever emotion(s) it is and you plan to use the time to process. While you're not taking on the responsibility of holding the other persons emotions, you are taking responsibility for your own AND acknowledging theirs.
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Til next Time.
Om, Over and Out x