Parenting Support West London: When Things Have Gone Wrong, What You Do Next Matters
Parenting Support West London & Online with Samantha Abraham
Sometimes parenting gets complicated very quickly.
Perhaps you've separated from your child's other parent and communication has become so difficult that almost every conversation ends in conflict.
Maybe your solicitor has suggested completing a parenting programme before your next family court hearing and you're wondering which programme you actually need – and whether it will make any difference.
Perhaps there was an incident at home. You lost your temper, reacted in a way you're not proud of, and now professionals are involved. You're replaying what happened, worrying about what comes next and thinking:
“I need to show that I'm taking this seriously and doing something about it.”
Or perhaps Children's Services have become involved because there are concerns about your parenting or neglect. Your child may even be living away from you at the moment and your contact is supervised, limited to certain times, or happening through telephone calls, video calls or letters.
If any of those situations sound familiar, you may be feeling a mixture of fear, frustration, anger, guilt and helplessness.
And underneath all of that there is often one big question:
What can I actually do now?
That's the part I want to focus on.
Because whether you're dealing with separation, parental conflict, Children's Services or family court proceedings, there are things you can start working on before somebody else makes the next decision about your family.
Not to create an impressive collection of parenting certificates.
Not to convince everybody that you've never made mistakes.
And not because completing a parenting programme can guarantee what a court, Cafcass or Children's Services will decide.
But because you can use this period to understand what's happened, recognise what needs to change and begin showing that change in the way you parent.
Below are three situations that come up regularly when parents seek parenting support, along with the programmes that may be appropriate and some practical things you can start doing today.
These are composite examples based on common situations within parenting work. They don't describe individual clients and details have been changed or combined to protect confidentiality.
1. “My solicitor told me I should do a parenting course.”
You've separated from your child's other parent.
Things haven't ended well.
Communication that should be about the children quickly turns into arguments about the relationship. Messages become longer. Accusations go backwards and forwards. Perhaps you're barely communicating at all.
Now your solicitor has suggested that you complete some parenting work.
Your first thought might understandably be:
“Okay. What course do I need to do for court?”
But there's a much more useful question:
“What could I learn that would actually make this easier for my child?”
Depending on your circumstances, support might include the Triple P – Family Transitions Programme alongside the Parenting Apart Programme.
The Triple P – Family Transitions Programme focuses specifically on parenting through separation and divorce, including managing difficult emotions, reducing conflict and navigating the transition from being partners to being separated parents.
The Parenting Apart Programme helps separated parents look more closely at the impact parental conflict can have on children and how they can develop a more workable parenting relationship – even when the relationship between the adults remains difficult.
And one of the biggest shifts you can make is moving from:
“How do I get my ex to communicate properly?”
to:
“What can I do to make sure my communication doesn't add to the conflict?”
You can't control how the other parent communicates.
You can control what you contribute to the conversation.
3 ways to communicate more effectively after separation
1. Keep communication child-focused
Before sending a message, ask yourself:
“What does my child actually need us to communicate about?”
School, health, arrangements, activities and important information about your child belong in the conversation.
Old relationship arguments don't.
Try not to use your child to pass messages, gather information or find out what's happening in the other parent's home either.
Your child shouldn't have to become the communication system between two adults.
2. Don't respond at the temperature at which a message arrives
If you receive an angry message, you don't have to match its energy.
Unless something genuinely requires an immediate response, give yourself time.
Read it again later and ask:
“What actually needs answering?”
Then answer that.
Not every accusation.
Not every historical grievance.
Not the six additional arguments you could quite reasonably make in response.
Sometimes a short:
“Thanks. I'll collect her at 4pm.”
is enough.
3. Think professional rather than personal
This can feel strange, but imagine you're communicating with a colleague with whom you have a difficult working relationship.
You wouldn't necessarily tell them everything you're thinking.
You'd keep communication clear, factual, respectful and focused on what needs to happen.
Separated parenting can sometimes benefit from the same approach.
The goal doesn't have to be friendship.
The goal is reducing the amount of adult conflict your child has to carry.
2. “I lost my temper and now I'm waiting for court.”
Perhaps something happened at home.
An argument with your pre-teen or teenager escalated. You became extremely angry. You shouted, reacted physically or behaved in a way that you now recognise wasn't okay.
Professionals became involved and you're now waiting for a hearing.
Your immediate reaction may be:
“I need to do everything I possibly can before court.”
That's understandable.
But there's a difference between doing courses and doing the work.
Depending on your child's age and what's happening within your family, support might include the Triple P – Teen Positive Parenting Programme, alongside individual work around parental stress, triggers, emotional regulation and communication.
The Triple P – Teen Positive Parenting Programme helps parents develop practical strategies for building positive relationships with teenagers, encouraging appropriate behaviour, managing problems and supporting increasing independence.
But the real work is being able to move from:
“I just lost it that day.”
towards understanding:
“What was happening in me before I lost it – and what can I do differently next time?”
3 ways to manage parenting stress before it becomes anger
1. Learn what happens before you explode
Anger rarely begins at 100.
Start noticing what happens at 20, 40 and 60.
Does your jaw tighten?
Does your voice get louder?
Do you start repeating yourself?
Does your heart race?
Do you suddenly think:
“They're doing this deliberately.”
Those are warning signs.
And the earlier you recognise them, the more opportunity you have to do something before reaching the point where you're no longer responding in the way you want to.
2. Don't try to teach while you're dysregulated
When you're at 90% and your child is at 90%, that's probably not the moment either of you is going to produce your finest communication.
Where it's safe and appropriate, pause.
You might say:
“I'm getting too angry to have this conversation properly. I'm going to take ten minutes and we'll come back to it.”
Then actually come back.
That's important.
Taking a pause shouldn't become avoiding the issue completely.
You're showing your child that difficult feelings can be managed without the situation having to explode.
3. Learn to repair
Taking responsibility doesn't mean giving up your authority as a parent.
You can still address inappropriate behaviour from your child while acknowledging that your response wasn't okay either.
There is a big difference between:
“I'm sorry, but you made me angry.”
and:
“I didn't handle that properly. I'm responsible for how I respond when I'm angry and I'm working on changing that.”
Repair doesn't erase what happened.
But it can demonstrate something incredibly important to your child:
Adults can make mistakes, take responsibility and change their behaviour too.
3. “Children's Services are involved and I'm separated from my child.”
Perhaps concerns have been raised about neglect or other aspects of your parenting.
Children's Services are involved and your child may currently be living somewhere else.
You might disagree with some of what's been said about you.
You may feel judged, frightened or angry.
And if your contact with your child has been reduced or is now supervised, it's understandable that much of your attention is focused on:
“When am I getting my child back?”
But there's another question worth asking alongside it:
“What can I work on while we're apart?”
Depending on the circumstances, support might include the Triple P – Pathways Positive Parenting Programme.
The Triple P – Pathways Positive Parenting Programme provides more intensive parenting support where there are significant concerns within family life, including work around parental beliefs and expectations, managing anger and developing different ways of coping with parenting pressures.
One of the most important things to understand during separation from your child is this:
You haven't stopped being their parent simply because you're not currently parenting them in the way you want to.
There are still things you can do.
3 ways to parent proactively while you're separated from your child
1. Keep two journals
The first is for you.
Record what you're learning, what you're finding difficult, triggers you're noticing, changes you're making, questions you want to explore and things you want to do differently.
Don't turn it into a performance for professionals.
Use it to reflect.
Then consider keeping a separate journal for your child.
Write about memories. Things that reminded you of them. Milestones you've missed. Things you're learning. Things you'd like to tell them one day.
It doesn't necessarily need to be given to them now.
But one day it may help tell an important story:
“Even when we weren't together, I was thinking about you and working towards being the parent you needed.”
2. Make the best possible use of the contact you have
You may desperately want more contact.
But don't allow the contact you wish you had to stop you making the most of the contact you do have.
If you have supervised contact, arrive prepared and on time.
If you meet in the community, think about activities your child enjoys.
If contact is by telephone or video call, ask about their world.
If you're permitted to send letters or cards, make them warm and child-focused.
Avoid using contact to interrogate your child about where they're living, what the other parent is doing or what professionals have said.
Your child shouldn't have to reassure you or manage your feelings.
Let contact be somewhere they can experience:
“Mum/Dad is pleased to see me. They're interested in me. I don't have to deal with the adult problems while I'm here.”
3. Work on the parent you want your child to return to
Don't wait for reunification before making changes.
Ask yourself:
“If my child came home tomorrow, what would actually be different?”
Would there be clearer routines?
Would the home environment be different?
Would you respond differently under pressure?
Would you recognise signs that you're becoming overwhelmed earlier?
Would you ask for help sooner?
Would your child experience something genuinely different – or would everybody simply be hoping that the previous problems don't happen again?
Use the time you have now.
Work on becoming the parent you want your child to experience when you're together again.
Different families need different types of parenting support
There isn't one parenting programme that's right for every family.
Sometimes support needs to focus on behaviour.
Sometimes separation and parental conflict.
Sometimes teenagers.
Sometimes childhood anxiety.
Sometimes disability or additional needs.
Sometimes parental stress, anger or emotional regulation.
And sometimes parenting work takes place alongside Children's Services or family court proceedings.
But there's something important I want parents to understand:
The programme isn't the outcome. What you do with what you learn is what matters.
A certificate can demonstrate that you attended.
It can't demonstrate everything you've learned.
So instead of only asking:
“What parenting course should I do?”
also ask:
What have I understood about my child's experience?
What have I learned about myself?
What are my triggers?
What am I doing differently?
How would my child notice that something has changed?
Those answers matter.
You can't control everything that happens next
If you're involved in family court proceedings or working with Children's Services, there may be decisions about your family that aren't entirely within your control.
You can't control your former partner.
You can't control every professional opinion.
You can't guarantee what a court will decide.
And you may not immediately be able to change the amount or type of contact you have with your child.
But that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do.
You can reflect.
You can learn.
You can develop different strategies.
You can change the way you communicate.
You can understand your triggers.
You can make better use of contact.
You can take responsibility for the things that are yours.
And you can start working towards becoming the parent you want your child to experience.
What has happened matters.
But what you do next matters too.
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